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I am struggling to deal with this dialogue:

   Ed: But then you got unsound. You decided to make impractical choices, one being to fuck Joseph Bachman, which left me with the most difficult choice of all: to walk out with my dignity or to stay with a woman * who I can simply do not trust. 

   Madeline: You can trust me to love you. More deeply than I've ever loved anybody. Can you trust me not to fuck things up again? Maybe not. I don't know if I can trust myself with that. I didn't trust my parents' marriage and the one I had with Nathan** was not to be believed. And I don't know what it is. Maybe it's some unconcious preemptive thing where I wanna be the destroyer, not the destroyee. I don't understand, and I rack my brain about it but I... 'Cause all I really want is to be married to you, Just... happily married to you. But I must have low self-esteem or I fucking hate myself or something because look what I've done. If I fuck up again, it will be not with infidelity. I give you my word. All my future mistakes will be brand new ones.

- Big Little Lies, S02E05



I can relate to both characters, especially through the highlighted sentences.

* I would change woman to man, more appropriate to the context when I experienced something similar
** Not Nathan, obviously, just someone who should not be named now

And the highlighted sentence in blue = life goals.
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